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Veritas et Aequitas

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The 1980's [Oct. 14th, 2016|11:30 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
So, I never write in here anymore. I've said that same thing in many entries since my posting dwindled, so I guess it's nothing new. Today I was listening to Pandora at work. Berlin's Take My Breath Away came on. I'm not a huge fan of the song itself, but I did love Top Gun as most kids from the 80's, and I got curious and Googled when the song came out. 1986...I was 9. I stared thinking about when I was that age...how long ago it was...the fact my son will be nine in three and a half years...the nostalgia and sadness was almost enough to knock me over.

I lost my Mom to cancer May 13th of this year, and dealing with it has been hard. Usually I'm ok, but sometimes, little things like this song, a memory from when we were kids...it just knocks me down a peg for the day. I miss her. I miss what her memory represents. My childhood, while not perfect, was kind of perfect. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's the best way I can put it into words. I had a neighborhood with 10-15 kids within a year of my age at the height of my childhood years. We rode bikes, played war and manhunt, camped, went fishing and hiking...it was just so...perfect. It's kind of fucked up how time just plays tricks on you...makes you believe the moment you're living in ill last forever.

It's also kind of funny that I'm a year away from the same age my Dad was when I started to have those childhood memories and neighborhood memories with my friends. I don't know...this entry isn't really for anything more than to capture a thought. I sure do miss those days.
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Happy family man. [Oct. 14th, 2014|11:52 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
It's funny...I re-read entries in here from ten years ago...five years ago...two years ago...and I cannot fathom how melancholy my life seemed to have been. First, when I re-read those entries, I am struck with the thought that I was perhaps a little dramatic and perhaps a little whiney about my lot and station back then. My life, for all intents and practical purposes, has always been pretty great. Sure, I went through some super emotionally draining and depressing/sad shit, but when I think real hard about it, the situations made me stronger and also helped me dodge some major bullets. Now, as a father to great children and husband to a pretty awesome wife, I am really grateful that I went through the things I did.
My son is now three years, four months, and my little girl is coming up on a year old. Petrina and I bought a house last November right after she was born. We still have moments of tension, fighting, money problems, etc...but we've come to realize, everyone does. Personally, I think we're doing pretty well. I have a hot temper, and expect that since she is no longer working, that certain things should be getting done, and she is as passive aggressive as always, and still struggle with handling a house and two kids. We both recognize our issues, and work together to resolve conflict.

I took a job in February of 2013 as an underwriter at an excess and surplus insurance company, and let me tell you, it has shown me how good a working environment can be. My aunts agency was like poison. SHE was like poison. Things here are about a million times better. There are always issues, but any job will have that. The difference here is the people I work with are fucking AMAZING. With only a few exceptions, which are easy to avoid, if I have an issues, a question, anything really, people are more than willing to help, to teach, to support, etc...In short, they're not all about themselves, their business, their money, their WHATEVER that my Aunt was all about. They're decent, caring human beings...even the annoying ones. I'm on the company side now, desk underwriting and dealing with agents instead of insured's. IT'S AWESOME. The agents are pretty awesome too, for the most part. I travel to the states I handle. I have been blessed to see other pretty cool parts of the country, and while I don't like to be away from my family, I have seen places I'd never otherwise have visited. Within itself, that has been great as I have gotten to see how people live in other parts of the country...something I have always deemed important.

On a personal level, I feel I am lacking. I'm about the heaviest I have ever been which saddens me as I used to have so much time to really devote to my fitness. With two kids, a house to take care of and a full time job, that's become difficult. The only time I have is 5 a.m., and that's tough...really tough. My daughter does not sleep well yet, so 5 a.m. comes around pretty quick when you've been woken up four times during the night. Petrina gets up with her, but I still wake up. I have joined a gym though, and I look forward to moving forward from this and getting my old self back.

My temper and patience, while better than years ago, leave a lot to be desired. I like to think I am a generally kind of a patient person, a good father, and a good husband. But as with us all sometimes, there are moments where I am tired, sad, stressed, etc...where my personality leaves a lot to be desired. But, I am owning it. My actions are my own, and only I can take responsibility for them, only I can change them. Being cognizant of the struggle helps me avoid situations which make things worse.

So, for now. That's it. I love my family, love my job, need to work on me, but I think things are good. Life...life is good. Here's to coming through the darkness to the other side, no matter how long it takes, and standing in the sunshine for a change.
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Oh, the places you'll go. [Aug. 22nd, 2012|10:05 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
Yup...like a dead end career and to therapy. I'm not whining. I HAVE a job...and for that I'll always be grateful. I've ALWAYS had a job and the ability to make money to support myself, and that's awesome. Unfortunately, I have never had a CAREER I'm happy with. I fucking HATE it here, but that's not new. The job hunt was/is long, tedious, frustrating, etc...but I managed to find one...a NEW one. Unfortunately, it was much less than I'm making here. I jumped at the opportunity simply to be out of here, but a giant shit storm ensued. My aunt and uncle freaked out, to say the least. It was a barrage of insults, insinuations, threats and overall verbal torture...for two days. Let me tell you...I have no respect for either of them now and I am simply using this job as a means to an end. Finally, I sat down and weighed out my options, and despite all of the ridiculousness, I deciced to stay here for a number of reasons. First, if I took that job, the amount of money for a loan I would have been able to obtain would have bought me a nice house...in Camden if I was lucky. Second, while the commute to here sucks ass,and is expensive, for the amount of money I was sacrificing for the new position, there was STILL a minimal commute. The financial strain it would have put on my family would have been bad. Of course, AFTER the WHOLE thing calmed down, and I decided I'm staying here...THEN Petrina's Dad tells me not to worry about moving right now. If I had known that previously, I would have taken the job. But of course, that's the way it always is...too little...too late. On the work front, that's really all that is new. My aunt is convinced I'm staying...but I'm still looking for another job. As soon as I find one, I'm gone. Contemplating not even giving two weeks notice this time. At the very least, I'm not working nights or weekends anymore, which is a plus. Petrina is not happy I'm still here, but right now it's for the best.

On a personal level, things with Petrina are notably better. Over July 4th weekend, she told me she wanted a divorce. It was tough to swallow, and after many tears, much inward inflection and many heart to hearts, we seem to have leveled things out. We have agreed there are many things both of us need to work on, and we have been. As much as I did not want to admit it, there were a lot of legitimate points raised. Also, since it was agreed upon that BOTH of us needed to change, I was ok with the plan as a whole. I have to remember to not bring work home with me, and to not overreact to ridiculous shit, and she needs to remember she does NOT control the whole world, and that she needs time management skills. So, right now, we're just working through things, staying calm with each other and communicating more. It's not perfect, but nothing is, and it seems to be working. Fingers crossed.

I'd have my usual big write up on my personal life, but I have none. Get up, go to the gym, go to work, go home. Last weekend I had a bachelor party, and by 8 p.m. I was spent. I guess I'm getting old. Also, hard to believe so many of us are married now, and so many with kids...it's all going so fast. It's difficult sometimes to watch my still and probably perpetually, single friends and the freedom they have, but then again, they'll all never know how good it feels to get a hug from your little boy at the beginning and at the end of the day. The trade off is pretty even to be honest with you, and I've had my party times...can't say I'm that sad they're over.
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I dream of the day.... [Jun. 6th, 2012|04:05 pm]
Veritas et Aequitas
I can get up and walk out of here and never...fucking...come back.
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I think...I've got...the fear. [May. 21st, 2012|05:35 pm]
Veritas et Aequitas
Well, not that kind of fear. Not the drug induced fear, not the Hunter S. Thompson fear...but a very real fear none the less. Sometimes at work I get sick of quoting people's insurance, sick of talking to people, sick of work really. So, I zone out and look usless crap up on the internet. Since I don't take a lunch really ever, just ten minutes to grab food and eat at my desk...I'd don't consider it dicking off really...but that's beside the point. So today, I start looking up people I used to know on the NJDOC Offender Search. That's the Department of Corrections, FYI. It dawns on me, maybe now at this late hour because I'm a new parent, that these are all someone's kids. I looked through a lot of people my age...male and female. Mostly drug offenses, but a lot of "Endangering the Welfare of a Child" too. It just made me so sad. These people obviously had crap childhoods and are now continuing the cycle. It makes me worry so much about Jax. I pray everyday my wife and I can do the best for him and that he grows up right. Please God give me the strength and wisdom to raise my kid to NOT be a fucking drug addled statistic. PLEASE.
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The heart's desire to burn up the mind's complacency. [Feb. 2nd, 2012|04:01 pm]
Veritas et Aequitas
This is when the chest pains set in. I hope it's not a series of small heart attacks, though it very well may be, but instead just a series of really bad bouts of acid reflux. Days like today make me wonder why I'm still here. My job, as many jobs go, it stressful. I sell insurance, but I am a hybrid agent. This means I not only sell it, but service it...as well as take on the responsible of keeping these mouth breathing, bottom feeding fucktards happy. I HATE it. These clients are the reason I get calls on Sundays...the reason I sleep like shit and drink too much the minute I get the chance...BUT they're also the reason my family is taken care of. I dance a fine line everyday. I'm close to exploding and going postal on one of these expectant, entitled smarmy little shits, but if I do...well, I'd probably be digging ditches for a living. At this point, I'm not sure what would be worse. My heart says get up and leave...my complacent mind says, "We need a job." As for now my mind is correct...I need to support my family.
The clients who are understanding and appreciative, are nice and have common social graces...i will go to the ends of the earth for. The others, however, make me want to print up their addresses, go to their houese and teach them a thing or two about how to treat people...about how to have some respect. I HATE IT HERE.
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January 2012 [Jan. 19th, 2012|10:22 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
A new year. Big fucking deal. Nothing has really changed. Jax has Petrina's immune system and daycare has made him sick once a month since late September. He was sick for Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. The sickness he's bringing home combined with what Petrina picks up from the little germ factories she teaches, well, let's just say in about 5 years I hadn't taken ANY antibiotics...until the day after Christmas this year that is. Wonderful. Jax is worth every ounce of aggravation being sick causes, though...he's awesome. Sad to say though, things with Petrina, while BETTER for a while, have regressed backward. We're buried in financial troubles and it's burying us. Every conversation is about money. If we had the time to fix this, say four more months, we'd be fine...unfortunately, her parents and her aunt need the money from the sale of the house...so basically, we have to be out by late spring...which makes it impossible to find anything within our price range. I'm stressed. I also STILL cannot stand my job. I hate it in fact. i have a few things lined up, a new resume out there, but so far, no dice on much of anything. if there is any hope to leave...it's not for three or four months. I might go insane by then. Times are troubled for sure right now. I guess I shouldn't complain though, at least I HAVE a job.
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November sucks... [Nov. 7th, 2011|10:30 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
For some reason this month is just making me remember a bunch of shit I'd rather forget.
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Growing Pains [Nov. 2nd, 2011|05:53 pm]
Veritas et Aequitas
Not only the T.V. show...but my life. On my Yahoo news feed the other day was a "Growing Pains" cast reunion thing. Naturally I start humming the theme song. Then, naturally, as I have a habit of doing, I IMDB the series, and then think back to how old I was when it came out, when it was running and when it ended. It started in 1985. I was 8. It ran from the time I was 8 until the time I was 15. A lot went on those years. You know what I remember best? I remember growing up in Scenic Lakes. I remember riding bikes like it was a full time job...I remember playing the Legend of Zelda on rainy days...I remember when going up to the "Lake" meant dealing with kids from another town and it was both exciting and scary at the same time. I also remember thinking that lake community was my whole world. I remember my Mom used to buy me vests for the unpredictable fall weather...the typical north jersey falls where it was damp and chilly, but warm in the sun. Man, we had it made back then. The biggest worry I ever had was getting home for dinner and doing good in school...and maybe if I had the latest sneakers if my parents could afford them.
I explicitedly remember the smells...it that weird? I remember the way the bum fire (fire in a barrell) smelled at the frozen pond where we played hockey. I even remember how the SNOW smelled in the winter...like, what snows days SMELLED like. I remember walking to the bus stop in the fall and it smelled like rotting leaves and wet earth. I remember playing running bases and football before the bus came, and the years I played football when I was young I remember having practice after school...it's funny, I simply cannot forget what the damp earth felt like when we'd be outside doing whatever. That smell has stuck with me my whole life...I remember being so used to summer when fall came I never remembered not to sit down on the gouund...many a pair of jeans were ruined sitting in the wet grass and leaves. I remember the way Hardyston school smelled on the first day of school...and on the last. I remember what dinner cooking in the kitchen smelled like when I was in my room doing my homework. Those were the days Dad didn't have two jobs and we ate as a family...LOOONG before Mom and Dad called the quits on each other...even longer before they did it officially.
I remember how cold the attic was and what it smelled like when we brought the Christmas tree down to set it up. I always pissed and moaned about it...I wish now that I never had....it's one of my favorite memories now...even if it was tedious then. Sitting there, testing every goddamn light on the string..oh, I hated it...now? Lets just say I'd much rather be doing that than a LOT of other daily responsibilities I currently have. It's funny...I guess maybe it happens to everyone when they grow up, but when I look back, there was SO much I took for granted, SO much I would give up now to et back from that time.
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(no subject) [Mar. 21st, 2011|11:53 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
My last entry was a little incoherent, to say the least. Very sporadic...very unorganized...all over the board so to speak. I guess I have a lot on my mind. Some things never change. Life has evened out a bit. I have come to realize...through no influence of anyone else, that I am pretty much incorrigible. I want everything my way...no room for error. While I do think Petrina could make a better effort to take care of things she KNOWS irk me, I do think I need to relax. I keep it up, I'll end up dead of an aneurysm before my baby is even born. I found out on December 30th that we're having a boy. I'm very excited about this information. I just want my child to be happy and healthy, but I'm glad it's a boy because I guess on some level I think it might be a little easier than having a girl...but who knows. At the very least, I have some valuable knowledge to pass on to my son.

The finances are slowly being caught up on. It's helping the stress a lot. I've also been working out a lot harder, so by the time I get to the office in the morning, I'm calmer than usual. We have also found out we don't have to be out of the house until NEXT Spring, which takes A LOT of stress off of me. I have also come to realize that I can only do what I can do. I can make 100 phone calls, and if only one piece of business sells, then only one piece sells. I can try until I'm blue in the face to make someone stay here but if they are convinced they're getting a better deal somewhere else, which DOES happen, than I have done all I can do. I'm just a little tired of beating myself up over things I cannot change, you know? It's the age old serenity prayer right? Accepting the things I cannot change and having the strength to change the things I can. I can't change that I have a son coming and wouldn't want to...I can't change where I live just yet, and as far as my wife and I are concerned, we can both change for the better, but it will take time and work.

Work is tolerable...but I'm still working toward a career doing something else. What? I have NO IDEA. Perhaps I'll just get as many letters and numbers after my title as I can while I'm here, soak up as much experience here as i can, become as marketable as I can, and then just find a BETTER job in insurance. Who knows.

My parents divorce is FINALLY final, and my mom didn't get screwed...this is also helping my stress level. I worry about y mom...she's a pain in the ass, but I love her, and she has been through a lot over the years. I'm glad that time of her life is all sewn up and she can begin new without all of the uncertainty. Wish I had the same luxury...but alas, such is life.
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