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Veritas et Aequitas

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Summer 2010 [Jul. 26th, 2010|09:58 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
Began July 12th, 2010: I woke up this morning around 10:45am. I'm off today, so it's the first time in a while I haven't been up with the sun. It was a long weekend. I turned 33 on Friday. On Saturday, I had to work and had a birthday party for myself and my wife, who's birthday was June 26th. Her Grandfather passed on the night we were supposed to have a surprise b-day party for her. Better we cancelled though, because the house was a disaster and was not ready for guests. At any rate, it's just a weird morning. So many mornings of my life have I woken up when the party is over, the dust has settled and my life and mind are quiet. It's almost off putting.

I have no idea how I ended up here...in a life I barely recognize in a house I hate, with a job I despise. Petrina and I are getting long better, but all of the other three things I just mentioned are making the little time we have together stressed. I guess I just thought life would be different...who knows. I wasn't looking for the never ending party, I was looking for stability and balance and have failed miserable. My existence is governed by money, responsibility and stress. Responsibility I don't mind. Being in debt, and being stressed about everything is terrible. Now tack on an hour commute, a job I hate, training the dog, neverending family obligations, etc...the life I once knew is gone...sinmply a fleeting memory.

I can explain exactly what I'm feeling by relating a dream I have often. I am in a strange place, a place I do not know. I am with strange people sometimes, and sometimes I am alone. I am going about daily activities but I am nervous...scared almost. I feel this way because I know my friends, my family, everything I know is somewhere else, and they are moving on without me. I do not know how long I have been in this strange place. I do not know WHY i am here. All I know is things are changing and moving forward where I Am NOT. This though wakes me up sweating the nights I have this dream. In Stephen king's Dark Tower series, a phrase the main character, Roland, uses often is "the world has moved on". This is how I feel. Life has become odd for me. Things I always knew and took for granted are gone. Friends I used to see three times a week I now have seen twice in 6 months. Events everyone used to attend are becoming sparse with familiar faces. I guess life changed for everyone. Even on here, in LJ land. There is only one person left on here who updates even semi regularly. It's sad really. People who shared hopes and dreams, accomplishments and failures, funny stories as well as bits and pieces of their life are all gone. ALL OF THEM. Some haven't updated in 5 years. I too fell off in here. Almost three years went by. Did I get lazy...did life become less interesting? Who knows. I will say this though, I miss reading, commenting, sharing and interacting in here. I also miss the way life was when this was my primary source of sanity through writing. I'm not bitching about growing up or growing old...I am, however bitching about growing distant from everything that seems important.

I'm just rambling now...but who cares...no one left to read this anyway. I look forward to the day I can come on here and post about how happy my life is. Right now, it's just not the case. I am a large supporter of the theory that the trip and not the destination is the real education the world and your life gives you, so I'm trying to maintain and not get too down on how I feel...but it's hard. I think, honestly, it's because life has changed SO dramatically in the past few years. Some stuff has phased itself out, other things have just up and disappeared...it has made for some surreal moments.

Petrina is also eager to start a family which compounds this situation I am in. I made the mistake of telling her we could start anytime she liked...not really thinking about it OR thinking she'd be all for it, given the house and monetary situation. I was wrong...never underestimate the persuasion a ticking biological clock has on a woman of 28 years. I want kids. I want them soon. Getting her to understand a few more things need to become stable before that can happen is a chore. Also, daycare costs...ridiculous. Wee would never be able to afford a house if we had a little one now.

So, for now, that's my list of current issues and whatnot. Someday I am going to print out all of these entries and make a small book out of them for my kids to read. Life may be weird and uncertain, taxing, rushed and pressured...but it is never, never, never anything short of interesting.
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The good times come and go too fast, and the headaches and bad times stay forever. [Feb. 23rd, 2010|10:12 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
Kind of how I feel lately. This weekend was my bachelor party. Very good time...lots of anticipation, lots of people. But, just like years ago when there were lots of parties, and lots of things to do...when they're over, I just feel like shit is passing me by....like my life has become a series of anticlimatic events. Stressed about the wedding day, stressed at work, stressed over money, stressed about being hours away from where I grew up for almost 4 years now and feeling like a stranger sometimes when I'm with my friends...just, well stressed about a lot of shit. Even the online people I used to know have scattered. Funny when I hit my friends page on here, only like 3 people still post...guess they moved upward and onward as well. Who knows...maybe I'm just not good with change. Never though i would be so....depressed I guess would be the word. Not like depressed as in need to be medicated, just depressed as in things just seem to feel hollow lately. Three days in AC with my closest friends, and it really just felt like 5 minutes with no substance. I pinpoint the end of the era probably around 2005. When Nick, Jimmy, Dan and Brian closed up shop at Knomes Knoll. No central place to hang out equals more time at the bars equals more people fading off as they get sick of the scene and spending money equals the quiet fading into the background of the good times. No last party, no last goodbyes, no last big bang. Just, hey man, everyone is doing their own thing. I am too I guess, but I guess I'm just looking for a SMALL piece of the past to hang on to. It all breaks down to one thing, I'm not all that keen on growing up.
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Almost three years in... [Dec. 8th, 2009|10:56 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
I lost all touch with my journal. Some would argue I've lost all touch with myself...I tend to agree. I have been brokering/selling insurance since my last entry. The job has pretty much consumed my life. Doing pretty well at it though, give or take a few months. I have a few things I would change about the place...the people...but overall it is tolerable and not too hard to do for the money I make, so I'm not complaining. I got engaged June of 2008 and am getting married March 19th of the upcoming 2010. We have had our ups and downs, our fights and arguments, etc...but for the most part, we're doing pretty awesome. The money is usually the big argument. I have played in a few notable bands since my last update. Street Crime and Something About Champions...both of which imploded like usual. I am taking a break from playing the bass in bands. I don't draw a crowd anymore as most of my friends are absorbed in their own lives and are all very provincial(sp) in their hanging out. most of them rarely leave town to go out. The older I get, the less enthused I am about playing anymore. It's sad, but it's also life I guess. Out of it came a great friendship though. The singer from Street Crime, Jeff and I, have become very close. We made some great music and had the pleasure of working with, playing with and hanging around with some pretty great musicians for the time we played together. So, in the end, I have another person in the world I can trust and who's company I enjoy as well as some great memories. My amplifier now serves as my cats perch and scratching post. Shrug. It is what it is. I still have all of the same friends. I still ocassionally talk to the infamous Kristi who is still a trouble making nutcase even as late as YESTERDAY (she is a client). i still do most of the same activities. olny real change in my life is a good job for a change and I'm living in Matawan and waiting to get married.
My parents got divorced. I guess that's big news. My sister is living in Japan after her stint in Hawaii and my brother in law is now a Lt. Colonel in the Marine Corps. They also have a son, Max, who will be two this coming August. Can't wait to meet him as them living in Japan has made this impossible. I've spent the last few holidays entertaining my Mom because Dad isn't around anymore...he's shacked up with his Puerto Rican girlfriend...funny how things unfold. So family life has been weird to say the least. my sister should be stateside by the new year most likely Camp Pendelton in CA. This means I can visit San Diego...this part I am happy about. The fact my brother in law is being deployed to Afaghanistan(sp) does NOT make me happy. honestly, i can't think of much more which has been new. Sad, but the last three years have been VERY monotonous. I am going to try to update more in here, but I guess we'll see how that turns out.
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The BIG Update. [Jan. 22nd, 2007|03:32 pm]
Veritas et Aequitas
So I haven't updated in almost 9 months. That's kinda sad really. I have no excuses except for maybe the fact I'm a myspace addict now and communicate mostly through there then any other medium. Also, I sort of stopped writing. Not a conscious choice really, just something that happened. Lastly, I never really felt like anyone was reading this save a few people anyway, and I didn't really need to keep track of my own thoughts as much as I once did. I guess I got tired of hearing myself whine about Kristi...maybe got tired of reading about how boring my life really is...who knows. All of which are mostly poor excuses. Anyway...here i am.

Things have changed so much in the past nine months it's hard to even know where to start. Bulletkrown rehearsed a few times with me at the helm and went nowhere. I got fired, yes, fired from Novartis because I am not, and I quote, "Corporate Material". AHAHAHAHAHA. No shit. I finished all of my insurance exams and am now brokering/selling full time and making great money. Fuck Novartis and it's pretentious, stuck up, asshole fucking pharmaceutical people. Fuck ALL of them. I bnow make as much, if not more, then a lot of them and I'm still not a dick about it like they all were.

My one uncle on my Moms side died this summer and I spent 4th of July burying him. Funny to be seeing fireworks from the plane as I'm flying back into Newark instead of seeing them from a boat or something getting drunk with my friends. Very surreal. That's probably the worst thing that happened. I quit smoking 6 months ago...that's probably the best thing.

I moved down closer to the family business and am now currently living with my aunt, uncle and cousin. The ones I work for obviously. It's been really great and I'm out of debt completely. I'll be buying a house within the next year and getting a new car. Things have fallen into place for a change. The guitar player from my old band after BulletKrown, Quarter Inch Fuse, and I have started a new project which will hopefully end up doing alright. I also have a girlfriend and have fallen in love again...believe it or not. Funny thing about it too, she happens to be the little sister of a girl I had a huge crush on a few years back. Strange how things work out.

So for now, that's whats new. I like my life a whole lot right now, and for once, I can only see it getting better.
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Murphys Law, Anti-Flag, Pennywise, Bad Religion [Nov. 22nd, 2005|07:03 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
[music |Anti-Flag, Their system doesn't work for you]

I went to see this show on Sunday. I have been a pathetic livejournal-er as of late but after Sunday I feel the need to update. Maybe just feeling uninspired or something, who knows. This show was awesome. I haven't seen Pennywise in about 10 years and haven't EVER seen the other bands, not even Bad Religion. I drove to Sayerville to a buddies house and took the path from South Amboy in. We missed Muprhy's Law but caught Anti-Flag, Pennywise and Bad Religion. Anti-Flag was awesome. They were a little preachy, but about things that made sense which made it tolerable. Pennywise put on one great show. They played a bunch of stuff I knew, actually only maybe one or two songs I didn't know the words to. Seeing this show reminded me why I play music, why I write, why I create....strengthened my resolve to keep trucking along. To keep at it. I mean Bad Religion has been writing and performing AWESOME politically charged punk music since 1980, and people who go to see them are just as excited about it now as they were back then. It's something to watch. I'll post more later...apparently it is stupid question day at work again and I didn't get the e-mail. :/
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Life Updates. [Oct. 12th, 2005|08:02 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
[music |Posion, Nothing But a Good Time]

Well, things have been pretty even keeled as of late, so I guess I can't complain. I have been sticking to my list pretty well, and making exceptions where they need to be made. I posted something on myspace the other night which helped the list along...especially with the girls who were getting on my nerves. I have been smoke free again for three days. I plan on making this the final push with those. I don't need them anymore. They have served their purpose...I REALLY don't need them anymore.

We have a show in the city on Saturday night and then the big Halloween show the following week. The band is getting along fine, and my friends have been pretty good lately as well. I finally adopted my two kittens. They have been a handful but I believe they are in my life to teach me patience and understanding. The little one, Seamus, is a bit of a picky eater and sort of a runt. The other one, McKenzie, is a holy terror and quite spiteful when he doesn't get his own way. He likes to let me know he is upset by hiding for hours on end or going potty in inappropriate places. But last night he was sick so I had to take care of him...I think we bonded a bit. They are a lot of fun, but a lot of work and annoy quite easily. They make my days a little happier...they are SO like little people.

Apparently the parents are doing well in Florida though I must admit I haven't talked to big sister in a little while. I will have to call her soon.

Aside from a few financial problems, the responsibilities aspect of my life isn't too bad. School is going well, work is good and I have a few resumes out there for consideration of jobs closer to home. The main one I would like, at the very least to be granted an interview for, is the position of Wellness Director at the local YMCA. It is so close to home and if the salary is even comparable, I'm there if I get an offer. But that also depends on how much we are going to make personal training here when ti comes as well...so as of now, it is in the air.
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(no subject) [Sep. 14th, 2005|07:10 am]
Veritas et Aequitas

You Belong in 1970


If you scored...

1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.

1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!

1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.

1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

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I deal with EVRYTHING with humor.... [Mar. 31st, 2005|07:16 am]
Veritas et Aequitas

Death sub-contracts

Death is required to attend some stupid seminar in order to maintain his certification

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(no subject) [Jan. 19th, 2005|06:30 am]
Veritas et Aequitas

The Great LiveJournal
Outage of 2005

During the outage I whined a lot over AIM.

What did you do?

Brought to you by geek-foo

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(no subject) [Dec. 1st, 2004|10:37 am]
Veritas et Aequitas
[mood |okayokay]
[music |Bad Company, Shooting Star]

[Name] Mike

[Nickname] Valese, Bitterman, The One Man Army
[Screen name] Bulletkrown
[Birthday] July 9th
[Location] Vernon
[Sexual Preference] Straight
[Marital Status] Single and taking applications
[Eye color] Brown
[Parents still together] Yup
[Siblings] 1 big sister
[Nieces/Nephews] Not yet
[Pets] Nope
[In school/graduated] BA
[What do you drive] Dodge Neon SXT 
[Number] 13, 17, 27
[Animal] Puppies, kitties.
[Vehicle] Jeep, 1968 Mustang Shelby Cobra, 57 Chevy, 56 Merc,
[Scent] Vanilla
[Soda] Coke
[Book] On the Road
[Band] Punk, Classic rock. Social Distortion and Led Zeppelin for example.

[Song] Nickels and Dimes by Social D. right now.

Do you...
[Color your hair?]
[twirl your hair?] Nope
[Have tattoos?] 4 going on 5.
[Have Piercings?] Tongue, left ear.
[Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?] niether
[Cheat on tests/homework?] who hasn't?
[Drink/Smoke?] Both sometimes.
[ Like roller coasters?] Nope
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] Yes.
[Want more more piercings?] Labret
[Like cleaning?] If im in the mood
[Write in cursive or print?] Cursive Chicken scatch 
[Own a web cam?] Yeah, but it doesn't work.
[Know how to drive?] Yup
[Diet?] I watch what I eat. Not really a diet.
[Own a cell phone?] yes, and it is a piece of crap
[Ever get off the damn computer?] No way
Have you ever...
[Gotten a speeding ticket?]
[Been in a wreck?] Am one currently
[Been arrested?] Yup
[Been in a fist fight?] Yup
[Kicked someone in the nuts] Yup
[Held a gun?] Yup. Pietro Baretta .09mm

[Drank?] Like a fish.
[Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name?] Close
[Considered a life of crime?] Nah.
[Considered being a hooker?] Male hooker, sure.

[Cheated on someone?] Yup.

[Cried over a girl?] Yup

[Cried over a boy?] When I lost my best friend.

[Lied to someone?] Yup

[Been in love?] Yup

[Fallen for your best friend?] Yup

[Made out with JUST a friend?] Yup

[Been rejected?] Yup

[Been in lust?] Yup

[Used someone?] Yup but not proud of that.

[Been used?] Yup

[Been cheated on?] Not that I know of

[Been kissed?] Yup

[Experimented with homosexuality?] Man ass is not my thing, sorry.

[Current mood] Wired. I'm doing this inbetween sets in the weight room.

[Current taste] Water

[Current hair] Sides: 000 Top: 2 (cutter settings) Sideburns.

[Current thing I ought to be doing] Another set...excuse me.

[Current cds in stereo]  New Social Distortion, a Misfits/Dasboard/some other crap mix, Pennywise Straight Ahead, and I forget the last.

[Current crush] Three: Dina, Dana, Judie.

[Current job] Novartis Pharmaceuticals Fitness Center

The last time...

[Last book you read] Keroac's On The Road...finishing it.

[Last movie you saw] Pootie Tang...horrible but thats what happens when you're too hung over to a.) give a fuck or b.) change the channel.

[Last thing you ate] Anavol.

[Last person you talked to on the phone] Dana...ummmm...Dana.

Do you...

[Do drugs?] Nope

[Have a dream that keeps coming back?] Yup and it is tearing my heart out.

[Play an instrument?] 4 and 5 string bass, 6 and 12 string guitar, a little drums.

[Believe there is life on other planets?] Yup.

[Remember your first love?] Yup, Cynthia.

[Remember your first TRUE love] Yup, Kristi.

[Still love him/her?] Yes, with all of my heart but it is un-requitted love.

[Read the newspaper?] Only before I use it to start a campfire.

[Have any gay or lesbian friends?] Chris.

[Believe in miracles?] Yes

[Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?] Yes

[Consider yourself tolerant of others?] Not at all....but I'm working on it with Gods help.

[Consider love a mistake?] Sometimes.

[Have a favorite candy?] Anything chocolate with peanuts.

[Believe in astrology?] Yup

[Believe in magic?] Micrales yes...magic..ehhh.

[Believe in God?] Of course. My faith is strong.

[Do well in school?] Graduated just shy of honors.

[Go to or plan to go to college] Went.

[Wear hats?] I got a few.

[Hate yourself?] Sometimes

[Have an obsession?] Yup.

[Have a secret crush?] Dina and Dana. Judie knows I want her. She wants me too...unfortunately her ass works like 100000000 hours a week.

[Do they know yet?] No, but Dina will soon. She is my current project.

[Collect anything?] Guitars, CD's band t-shirts.

[Have a best friend?] About 10

[Close friends?] Fucking tons...enough to start an army.

[Like your handwriting?] It's alright.

[Care about looks?] More concerned with health, but looks get the ladies...it's a fact. So yeah I guess so.

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